Emotional First Aid for Depression: It exists
Compulsive Kindness
Detecting Depression through language usage(1);
Why bother?
Spend about fourteen minutes reading a nice piece by PhD candidate, Mohammed Al-Mosalwi (but you can call him “Al”), in the United Kingdom pointing out that you can detect Depression by the language a person uses.
He cites Curt Cobain, Sylvia Plath and other lesser-known folks. I have no PhD or even a Masters Degree. I do have about 65 years of direct experience with Depression plus a cohort of depressed people that have surrounded me all my life. Big Pharma has built their latest biggest fortunes on marketing anti-Depressants like Prozac, Wellbutrin, etc. This is Big Business, so why not an article on something productive regarding Depression? Why not a “How to deal with…”
Short credentials: I was diagnosed with a stress-induced duodenal ulcer in 1955 at age 8 by the moderately famous gastroenterologist Dr. Louis Zetzel(2), then working in Boston. I had been under the care of Dr. Sydney Gellis(3) a nationally renown pediatrician distinguished for his diagnostic work. It took him two years (since I was 6) to send me to Zetzel. The only treatment at the time for an 8-year old with an ulcer was Maalox. It seemed like a horrible double-punishment. That white chalky liquid was unendurable. I recall my Mother’s delight the following year when they came out with a wondrous new advance and offered a banana flavored Maalox. Right. It was simply worse than the original, and I have never eaten another banana flavored anything in my life. Depressing, huh?
What does this have to do with Depression? A 6-year-old growing up in a household with such a huge amount of stress so as to create an ulcer is also subject to enormous unexplainable frustration. The frustration results from the process of developing what would later be labeled as PTSD and not understanding what was going on, just that his stomach hurt like hell whenever his father was due home. Stress embraces frustration when you can’t comprehend that your own father can be the cause of the stress. Now that’s truly depressing. Hence, self-diagnosis as being significantly depressed as a 6-years-old. The docs said it was a duodenal ulcer. They’re the Medical experts. I added in the Depression. I’m the expert on Me.
65 years later it all seems to be pretty clear. I get it. I also get that being able to identify depressed people by their word choice and language style is pretty useless, with all due respect to PhD candidate Mohammed Al Mosalwi at the University of Reading in the United Kingdom. I guess it’s a nice article, but how about something action-worthy? Depression really sucks. Identifying it is not much of a problem; certainly not a solution.
Normal people can tell if somebody is depressed without parsing an extended sample of their speech. We’re empathetic human beings, and we can tell when a person we know is depressed. But, what can be done about it? There’s the proper title of the article.
The first question for you is, do you really care? Do you care enough to engage and want to help the person? Are you ready to take on that responsibility? Certainly showing this depressed person that you do care would be a productive step. Or would it? They'll definitely drag you in and find a way to pin part of the blame on your tail. Blaming others is often part of Depression
Might your caring be a trigger to deepen the Depression by giving your pal the opportunity to verbalize and act out their Depression? Depressed people have triggers that compel them to "prove" they are really Depressed, not just very sad. Bad things can happen. Tread lightly.
There are mixed reviews on whether venting your Depression is curative, or just reinforces the already negative feelings. Think about those current Echo Chambers made famous by Facebook. The jury is in. They are Bad.
Personally, I’m not sure you, an untrained layperson, can really achieve much of lasting impact. But here’s a hint at what the Depressed person might do. After all, it’s ultimately up to him, or her.
Let’s just start with two questions, because you’re probably not likely going to go further than that, and neither are they. This is just First Aid, after all.
First question is “Do you really want to get un-depressed?” It’s not a foolish question, because one of the key ingredients for a valid heavy duty Depression is the willingness, almost attraction, to wallow in it. Depressed people may feel they want to pull themselves out of the Depression. However the disease often drives them deeper with the imagined idiopathic goal of suicide.
Maybe a bit more on the big “S” later.(4) Better yet, just see if you can Google up Sam Harris’ short take (AMA#11) on the three major reasons for Suicide. He’s much smarter and more eloquent than I. Go to his website.
But for now, let’s stick with these first two questions. I think it’s worth addressing the Depressee by saying “Gee, you sound depressed. Do you honestly want to get out of that rut, really?” Don’t let them off with a yes or no. You’ll likely get an angry “Of Course, I do.” And then a harangue at you for being an insensitive bastard who would ask such a cruel question that just worsens the mood.
Don’t feel bad or guilty. They are the only one who can make them more or less depressed. Your question is just kind of like lancing a carbuncle. It hurts and it stinks, but it’s truly a positive step. You need to release the internal pressure on which Depression feeds. Let them vent for a bit, but just a bit, until you ask your second and final question.
By the way. Don’t argue with anything they respond with. Acknowledge every single thing they bring up as to the legitimate reasons for their Depression, even when they accuse you of being a heartless SOB for asking such a question. Support their feelings. Support their opinion of you, as negative and hurtful as it may be. You can take it, right? You must meet them where they are. You can’t allow yourself to be framed as an adversary.
Okay. Now you’re both on the same page, even if it’s that you’re heartless and insensitive. Common ground has its value. On to the second question. Let’s assume that the bottom line of their answer is “Of course I want to get un-depressed.”
“Okay, then. Are you willing to actually do something about it?”
Who knows what they’ll say? You just never do. Understand that an integral part of being depressed is the feeling of hopelessness and impotence. Being a victim with no choices and no power are essential building blocks of a well-developed Depression. You may assume that their reaction is “What the hell can I do? My world just sucks.”
Now you’re on the spot and really need a good answer; a sure-fire well-proven reliable answer. But first, understand that they will argue with whatever you say. Angry denial is also an essential part of Depression; denying that there is anything anybody, including themselves can ever do to help themselves. You’re going to have to be ready for that and just brace. Let them emote. Then it’s your turn to drop the hammer.
“Try doing something nice for somebody. Preferably someone you don’t know, or even better, somebody you dislike.”
If your subject is a thoughtful sophisticated person, you should suggest they do it anonymously. But, I get ahead of myself, because they are going to argue like hell that this is not even possible, and there’s really nothing they can do for anybody. So, you need something quick and easy. You also need to not be argumentative. Never argue.
When they deny the possibility, your simple answer is “Well, you can at least try, can’t you?” The ‘can’t you?’ is important. You need to engage them and get them committed to some kind of action. Even depressed people often react to a challenge, even if it’s just to validate their Depression.
"Trying” is plenty good enough. Trying is actually a central part of the solution. Not the entire solution, but it has to be the very first step. The first step to exiting Depression is taking charge of yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, taking action to overcome the onerous inertia that comes along with a well-developed case of Depression. You really need to prod them into just trying. Then you need something extremely easy so that progress is clear and measurable.
Here’s a little toolbox of things you can suggest. If you are out and about, you can pick out some small restaurant or diner, enter, look around and spot some elderly couple or some less than wealthy looking person. Approach the cashier or somebody in charge and say you want to pay their check. Find out how much, add a proper tip and let your depressed friend take out his credit card or a few dollars and pay the bill with a tip. Let him write a note on the check that says “Have a good day, from a friend". Doing it anonymously is very cool. Doing it in person interactively might be a problem. The person or couple might react in a strange way that might mess things up. People are funny. If there’s no small restaurant or diner around, you may want to spot a convenience store and have your buddy just walk up to the counter and say to the person getting rung up “This one’s on me.” Leave the few dollars needed. Don’t wait for change and just leave quickly to avoid interaction. Keep it neat and clean. One of my buddies had this fantasy of giving a toll collector a $20 and paying for the next ten people. He wanted to stand by the booth and wave them on with a smile. He thought it would be cool.
If these choices seem problematic, you can go online to the Godiva chocolate website and send somebody a small package of chocolates, with or without a gift card. You’ll need address information. This is a sure-fire “good thing” to do, but it does cost about $20. If the person is able, just suggest it.
If the person doesn’t want to do any of the above, ask them what they would suggest. DON’T let them off the hook. Get them to verbalize performing a kind act, what many call “A random act of kindness”. Get them thinking about it, then actually doing it. No matter what they may say at first, no matter how they may deny it’s had any effect, they will feel less depressed. I have no large long-term studies, no peer-reviewed scholarly articles or supporting PhDs to convince you. I have just the consistent anecdotal truth of knowing with 100% certainty that doing something nice anonymously for somebody, preferably a stranger, is the first step in overcoming Depression.
You can only do what you can do.
Maybe check out some PTSD help on the Resources Page?
Footnotes:
1. https://theconversation.com/people-with-depression-use-language-differently-heres-how-to-spot-it-90877#nws=mcnewsletter
2. https://www.nytimes.com/1993/09/18/obituaries/dr-louis-zetzel-84-professor-of-medicine.htmljamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/481282
3. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/481282
4. In a Sam Harris’ “Ask me anything” podcasts (#11) he addressed the morality of suicide. He broke it down into three categories. The first was the person who finds himself living with a terminal very painful disease with no hope of recovery causing an obvious emotional and financial burden on those around him. Sam feels that we have the right to self-determination and physician assisted or not, suicide is a morally justifiable and sensible choice. It’s everybody’s right.
Second is the suicide that results from Depression. This is the result of a definable disease and very unpredictable. No judgments here, just compassion.
Third is the angry violent suicide that can stem from mental illness, be it Depression or some other. It is often performed in front of somebody with the aim of inflicting emotional pain and exacting revenge. This does have negative judgment attached. It’s a bad thing to do. Very bad. You might include the suicide bombers in this group as the extreme committing a morally repugnant act.
Why bother?
Spend about fourteen minutes reading a nice piece by PhD candidate, Mohammed Al-Mosalwi (but you can call him “Al”), in the United Kingdom pointing out that you can detect Depression by the language a person uses.
He cites Curt Cobain, Sylvia Plath and other lesser-known folks. I have no PhD or even a Masters Degree. I do have about 65 years of direct experience with Depression plus a cohort of depressed people that have surrounded me all my life. Big Pharma has built their latest biggest fortunes on marketing anti-Depressants like Prozac, Wellbutrin, etc. This is Big Business, so why not an article on something productive regarding Depression? Why not a “How to deal with…”
Short credentials: I was diagnosed with a stress-induced duodenal ulcer in 1955 at age 8 by the moderately famous gastroenterologist Dr. Louis Zetzel(2), then working in Boston. I had been under the care of Dr. Sydney Gellis(3) a nationally renown pediatrician distinguished for his diagnostic work. It took him two years (since I was 6) to send me to Zetzel. The only treatment at the time for an 8-year old with an ulcer was Maalox. It seemed like a horrible double-punishment. That white chalky liquid was unendurable. I recall my Mother’s delight the following year when they came out with a wondrous new advance and offered a banana flavored Maalox. Right. It was simply worse than the original, and I have never eaten another banana flavored anything in my life. Depressing, huh?
What does this have to do with Depression? A 6-year-old growing up in a household with such a huge amount of stress so as to create an ulcer is also subject to enormous unexplainable frustration. The frustration results from the process of developing what would later be labeled as PTSD and not understanding what was going on, just that his stomach hurt like hell whenever his father was due home. Stress embraces frustration when you can’t comprehend that your own father can be the cause of the stress. Now that’s truly depressing. Hence, self-diagnosis as being significantly depressed as a 6-years-old. The docs said it was a duodenal ulcer. They’re the Medical experts. I added in the Depression. I’m the expert on Me.
65 years later it all seems to be pretty clear. I get it. I also get that being able to identify depressed people by their word choice and language style is pretty useless, with all due respect to PhD candidate Mohammed Al Mosalwi at the University of Reading in the United Kingdom. I guess it’s a nice article, but how about something action-worthy? Depression really sucks. Identifying it is not much of a problem; certainly not a solution.
Normal people can tell if somebody is depressed without parsing an extended sample of their speech. We’re empathetic human beings, and we can tell when a person we know is depressed. But, what can be done about it? There’s the proper title of the article.
The first question for you is, do you really care? Do you care enough to engage and want to help the person? Are you ready to take on that responsibility? Certainly showing this depressed person that you do care would be a productive step. Or would it? They'll definitely drag you in and find a way to pin part of the blame on your tail. Blaming others is often part of Depression
Might your caring be a trigger to deepen the Depression by giving your pal the opportunity to verbalize and act out their Depression? Depressed people have triggers that compel them to "prove" they are really Depressed, not just very sad. Bad things can happen. Tread lightly.
There are mixed reviews on whether venting your Depression is curative, or just reinforces the already negative feelings. Think about those current Echo Chambers made famous by Facebook. The jury is in. They are Bad.
Personally, I’m not sure you, an untrained layperson, can really achieve much of lasting impact. But here’s a hint at what the Depressed person might do. After all, it’s ultimately up to him, or her.
Let’s just start with two questions, because you’re probably not likely going to go further than that, and neither are they. This is just First Aid, after all.
First question is “Do you really want to get un-depressed?” It’s not a foolish question, because one of the key ingredients for a valid heavy duty Depression is the willingness, almost attraction, to wallow in it. Depressed people may feel they want to pull themselves out of the Depression. However the disease often drives them deeper with the imagined idiopathic goal of suicide.
Maybe a bit more on the big “S” later.(4) Better yet, just see if you can Google up Sam Harris’ short take (AMA#11) on the three major reasons for Suicide. He’s much smarter and more eloquent than I. Go to his website.
But for now, let’s stick with these first two questions. I think it’s worth addressing the Depressee by saying “Gee, you sound depressed. Do you honestly want to get out of that rut, really?” Don’t let them off with a yes or no. You’ll likely get an angry “Of Course, I do.” And then a harangue at you for being an insensitive bastard who would ask such a cruel question that just worsens the mood.
Don’t feel bad or guilty. They are the only one who can make them more or less depressed. Your question is just kind of like lancing a carbuncle. It hurts and it stinks, but it’s truly a positive step. You need to release the internal pressure on which Depression feeds. Let them vent for a bit, but just a bit, until you ask your second and final question.
By the way. Don’t argue with anything they respond with. Acknowledge every single thing they bring up as to the legitimate reasons for their Depression, even when they accuse you of being a heartless SOB for asking such a question. Support their feelings. Support their opinion of you, as negative and hurtful as it may be. You can take it, right? You must meet them where they are. You can’t allow yourself to be framed as an adversary.
Okay. Now you’re both on the same page, even if it’s that you’re heartless and insensitive. Common ground has its value. On to the second question. Let’s assume that the bottom line of their answer is “Of course I want to get un-depressed.”
“Okay, then. Are you willing to actually do something about it?”
Who knows what they’ll say? You just never do. Understand that an integral part of being depressed is the feeling of hopelessness and impotence. Being a victim with no choices and no power are essential building blocks of a well-developed Depression. You may assume that their reaction is “What the hell can I do? My world just sucks.”
Now you’re on the spot and really need a good answer; a sure-fire well-proven reliable answer. But first, understand that they will argue with whatever you say. Angry denial is also an essential part of Depression; denying that there is anything anybody, including themselves can ever do to help themselves. You’re going to have to be ready for that and just brace. Let them emote. Then it’s your turn to drop the hammer.
“Try doing something nice for somebody. Preferably someone you don’t know, or even better, somebody you dislike.”
If your subject is a thoughtful sophisticated person, you should suggest they do it anonymously. But, I get ahead of myself, because they are going to argue like hell that this is not even possible, and there’s really nothing they can do for anybody. So, you need something quick and easy. You also need to not be argumentative. Never argue.
When they deny the possibility, your simple answer is “Well, you can at least try, can’t you?” The ‘can’t you?’ is important. You need to engage them and get them committed to some kind of action. Even depressed people often react to a challenge, even if it’s just to validate their Depression.
"Trying” is plenty good enough. Trying is actually a central part of the solution. Not the entire solution, but it has to be the very first step. The first step to exiting Depression is taking charge of yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, taking action to overcome the onerous inertia that comes along with a well-developed case of Depression. You really need to prod them into just trying. Then you need something extremely easy so that progress is clear and measurable.
Here’s a little toolbox of things you can suggest. If you are out and about, you can pick out some small restaurant or diner, enter, look around and spot some elderly couple or some less than wealthy looking person. Approach the cashier or somebody in charge and say you want to pay their check. Find out how much, add a proper tip and let your depressed friend take out his credit card or a few dollars and pay the bill with a tip. Let him write a note on the check that says “Have a good day, from a friend". Doing it anonymously is very cool. Doing it in person interactively might be a problem. The person or couple might react in a strange way that might mess things up. People are funny. If there’s no small restaurant or diner around, you may want to spot a convenience store and have your buddy just walk up to the counter and say to the person getting rung up “This one’s on me.” Leave the few dollars needed. Don’t wait for change and just leave quickly to avoid interaction. Keep it neat and clean. One of my buddies had this fantasy of giving a toll collector a $20 and paying for the next ten people. He wanted to stand by the booth and wave them on with a smile. He thought it would be cool.
If these choices seem problematic, you can go online to the Godiva chocolate website and send somebody a small package of chocolates, with or without a gift card. You’ll need address information. This is a sure-fire “good thing” to do, but it does cost about $20. If the person is able, just suggest it.
If the person doesn’t want to do any of the above, ask them what they would suggest. DON’T let them off the hook. Get them to verbalize performing a kind act, what many call “A random act of kindness”. Get them thinking about it, then actually doing it. No matter what they may say at first, no matter how they may deny it’s had any effect, they will feel less depressed. I have no large long-term studies, no peer-reviewed scholarly articles or supporting PhDs to convince you. I have just the consistent anecdotal truth of knowing with 100% certainty that doing something nice anonymously for somebody, preferably a stranger, is the first step in overcoming Depression.
You can only do what you can do.
Maybe check out some PTSD help on the Resources Page?
Footnotes:
1. https://theconversation.com/people-with-depression-use-language-differently-heres-how-to-spot-it-90877#nws=mcnewsletter
2. https://www.nytimes.com/1993/09/18/obituaries/dr-louis-zetzel-84-professor-of-medicine.htmljamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/481282
3. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/481282
4. In a Sam Harris’ “Ask me anything” podcasts (#11) he addressed the morality of suicide. He broke it down into three categories. The first was the person who finds himself living with a terminal very painful disease with no hope of recovery causing an obvious emotional and financial burden on those around him. Sam feels that we have the right to self-determination and physician assisted or not, suicide is a morally justifiable and sensible choice. It’s everybody’s right.
Second is the suicide that results from Depression. This is the result of a definable disease and very unpredictable. No judgments here, just compassion.
Third is the angry violent suicide that can stem from mental illness, be it Depression or some other. It is often performed in front of somebody with the aim of inflicting emotional pain and exacting revenge. This does have negative judgment attached. It’s a bad thing to do. Very bad. You might include the suicide bombers in this group as the extreme committing a morally repugnant act.